How Do They Do It?

It's about cats again.

They have all these extra legs and year-round hairy bodies that are miraculously soft even without conditioner. When they are very close to me, I like to see how at the curve of their lithe bodies their little hairs stick up like tiny baby tendrils that you can almost see through.

Unlike most other animals (except humans), they know just how dazzling they are. Dogs, for example, have no clue, no idea whatsoever, whether they are beautiful or ugly or dopey or one of those breeds that people are always oohing and ahhing over. Cats, no matter if they are brilliant or dumb as a rock, are all very sure of themselves, sure that they are the absolute virtuosos of the known universe. And they are willing to stick their asses in your face to prove it.

If cats went to high school, they'd be the kids everyone would be yearning to sit with at lunchtime. If they had a middle finger, they would be sticking it up at you constantly. If cats called your customer service line, you'd find that you'd put their complaint at the top of your list ahead of all others, and you wouldn't quite know why.

When cats deign to pay attention to you, you are always grateful and thank them profusely by petting them until your hands hurts. They repay this by suddenly whirling around and biting you. Sometimes they lick you but it hurts because their little tongues are so rough. Still you endure it because you are convinced they are kissing you and that is the highest honor you can receive, even higher than being bestowed a knighthood.

Sometimes I feel like I want to be a little snobby just to see what it feels like to have people think I'm so wonderful that they'll put up with me no matter what. But I don't do it because I need my job and I like my friends.

But cats get to keep their jobs (sleeping and licking themselves) and their friends all the same.