Mother's Day

My mother. In the beginning she was mommy, the woman who grabbed me in the hallway and tickled me as we laughed together in fits. She made my daily stand-by “bolognacheesemustardandbread” sandwiches religiously for the entire year I consumed nothing but for lunch, then stocked the freezer with chicken pot pies in order to indulge my next obsession. She took me to the circus on a whim, made me boiled potatoes and a bed on the couch when I was sick, and sewed me a yellow, flowered granny dress when it was what I wanted most.

And then that woman left the face of the earth. Sure, her body stayed around. But the rest of her, the parts that had the capacity for all that other good stuff, seemed to evaporate. I think those parts went with my father. To his grave.

And so now I celebrate Mother’s Day with my own little family. My daughter, the true beauty of whom I treasure moment-to-moment, gives me homemade gifts - cracked and uneven pinchpots, magic-markered love coupons, smeared and misspelled. I see these gifts as her thoughts created aloud – “I love you, Mama.” - and no longer do I want for anything silver, sparkly, delicious.

I am the mom now. I wonder why this major accountability was placed upon me. Even though it was something I desired, that there came a time when I had been brought to tears with the fear that it wouldn’t happen, I have to wonder why I was deemed worthy of this part of my journey. One day I was just me and then one day I was a mom. There have been plenty of pivotal points in my life - I don’t discount a one of them – but the point at which I was bestowed upon the gift of my daughter gave me the need open my entire being and just let it all in.

My mother. She does her thing, I do mine. Happy Day to her, happy Day to me. They are separate, these May days when places fill up with hungry brunchers, the flower shops need extra hands. The days of my smallness well past, I move on to give to my daughter myself, and hope and pray that I have done the right things, that in the years to come, every day is a Day for us.